Haunted Humour

Things you can learn from watching horror movies.

If you open the door and there is a man standing there, holding an axe, he didn’t come to chop firewood.

If you see a clown, RUN. That clown isn’t hanging around to make you some balloon animals!

Leave slow or clumsy friends behind. Every man for himself. Somebody’s got to live to tell the story.

Don’t split up and look for clues. Everything you learned from Scooby-Doo is wrong.

You know that statue upstairs that is freaking you out? Well it’s not a statue.

If someone hands you a videotape and says “If you watch this you will die in 7 days”, don’t break out the popcorn.


Never say “I’ll be right back” because you won’t.

When you’re walking around a spooky old house, at least try turning the lights on!

If you trip and fall, don’t lay there with the “Ow it hurts” face. Get up and continue running!

No matter how fast you run, the killer will always be right behind or in front of you, despite the fact that he is shuffling along at a slower and more dramatic pace.

On a stormy night, you will find an open window that you were sure was locked. It didn’t magically unlock itself!

Never back out of one room into another without looking. It’s always behind you.

If you knock on the door of a creepy old house and it opens by itself, don’t go inside.


Listen to the advice of all the people in the movie theater who are yelling at the screen!

Never take a shower. Killers love showers. Anyway, sweaty people are slippery and harder to catch.

If you hear weird noises, don’t go to investigate.

Stay out of the library. It’s one of the worst places to hide. Do you realize how easy it is for a killer to hide behind a bookcase?

If you’ve beaten the killer into a bloody pulp and you’re sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise destroy him.

If you’re asked to babysit during a storm, on Halloween, or on Friday the 13th or during a full moon, just say “No”.

Always have your keys at the ready. You don’t want to be fumbling in your bag going “Oh where are they? I’m sure I have them here somewhere!” while the killer closes in.

DO NOT hide where you obviously could be SEEN… like BEHIND a LAMP! *idiot*

Drips are never good. If you hear a dripping sound, it’s blood. Likewise, if you hear a clang, it’s a meat cleaver and if you hear a thunk, it’s a severed head.

If there is a scary legend, believe it. It’s real. It doesn’t matter if the legend says the killer has an onion for a head or a bear trap for a mouth. It’s real and he’s coming for you tonight.

Avoid screaming, crying, whispering, panting, wheezing or breathing heavily when you’re trying to hide. Killers are not deaf.

Never bend down to spit out your toothpaste. When you come back up, there’ll be someone standing behind you in the mirror.

Don’t go to places with weird names like Terror Lake, Hell Hollow, Devil’s Den, Screamerville, Skull Valley, Dead Man’s Crossing, Spook Hill, Ghost Creek, Bloody Springs or Slaughter Beach.

Never go downstairs to check out a weird noise. Especially not in your underwear.

If your friends go to check out a strange noise and don’t return, don’t go looking for them. Just make new friends.

If your son starts telling you “I see dead people”, put him up for adoption!

If some idiot in the group says “Let’s split up”, tell him “OK you go that way, the rest of us will go this way.”


If you’re babysitting a kid and they tell you they saw someone scary at the window, tell them to stand at the window and wave while you go hide.

This is the 21st Century. You have a cell phone. Why does nobody in horror movies call 911?

If you are babysitting and the phone rings, don’t answer it. Just go home and leave the kids to fend for themselves.

Always check the back seat of the car. 9 out of 10 times, the killer will be crouched there going “Aw dude, you caught me!”

When you’re driving at night and you hit someone, don’t stop to see if they’re OK.

If you come to a deserted town, it’s probably been deserted for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.

If you see something mutating, don’t stand there with your “OMFG” face and wait for it to finish mutating. Kill it with fire and get the hell outta there.

After you shoot the killer, don’t drop your gun.


I’m a leader not a follower… but if we’re going into a haunted house… you’re going first.

If you’re hiding from the killer, put your phone on silent.

OK under the bed is not a real hiding spot. What self-respecting killer WOULDN’T check under the bed?

If you find your friend stabbed 78 times and lying in a pool of blood, don’t go “OMG what happened?” You KNOW what happened.

The killer never dies the first time. Wait until he gets up, then kill him again.

Hide in the fridge. Killers don’t get hungry and stop for munchies during a murder spree.

Never look behind you while running away. When you look back, the killer will be standing in front of you.

Whenever a puppet or doll turns to you and says “Let’s play”, it doesn’t REALLY want to play.

If you are even the slightest bit odd, you will discover at the end of the movie that you were the killer all along.


If objects in your house become possessed and start attacking you, don’t run into the kitchen. That’s where the knives are!

Don’t stop at a gas station and ask the creepy old man for directions. He’s not going to help you.

Never get into a car. It will either not start, break down, run out of gas or you will lose the keys. Either way, the killer will be hiding in the back seat.

If a policeman arrives, don’t get your hopes up. He will be killed just before he reaches you.

Find a good hiding place and STAY THERE. If the killer can’t see or hear you, WHY WOULD YOU MOVE?

Never attempt to pull off the killer’s mask. You won’t like what you see.

Never assume the killer is dead. Shoot him, stab him, chop off his arms, legs and head, then burn the pieces and put them out with holy water. If possible, rocket his charred remains into space. Even then, he probably won’t be dead.

If you spot a weird dude in your garden holding a chainsaw, he is not there to trim your hedges.



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